Finding an anonymous love letter in my postbox the other day has left me feeling slightly uneasy. Who would try and woo a grown woman with torn, lined paper and dodgy handwriting? My gut instinct was that it wasn’t someone I would like to meet in a dark alley, so I thought long and hard about how to respond. As my secret admirer (I prefer this to stalker…shudder) had left his email address, I thought a short but polite email was in order. Using my boyfriend’s email address as cover I wrote:
Thank you for the letter you left in my postbox. I am very flattered and understand why you chose to make contact with me in this way. As you may or may not know, I have a boyfriend – we have been together for a while and are very happy (though it has been a bit touch and go since he crashed my car). Because of this it is not possible for us to meet.
Thank you anyway for the letter. (I thought it best to be polite, just in case I am dealing with an absolute nutter, who likes to play with knives and doesn’t respond well to rudeness).
This is what came pinging back:
its a plaisure replying me i was not expecting your message i was thinking you were never gona reply am very sorry i never thought that you were married (neither did I?) but in any case is no big deal (no need for the knives then…pheew). but dont worry i really understand but for me am really sad your boyfriend is a very lucky man to have beautiful and sexy lady like u . but dont worry next time i will see you in the village i will try to close my eyes and breath deep and watch you pass by (on second thoughts, if you are sane, rich and really, really gorgeous you could always give me a little wink).
I hope this will put an end to the matter. If not, my next email will include pictures of me naked, with close-ups of my stretch marks and cellulite. That should sort it!