Archive for October, 2008

And my disguise for halloween is…?
October 31, 2008

Beyonce (well, almost)

 

I have been having a hoot with www.faceinhole.com today. It is so easy to use. There are hundreds of bodies to choose from. Just upload pictures of your family and friends, then giggle as they morph into famous celebrities, cartoon characters, works of art or Amy Winehouse (now that’s scary).

 

Happy Halloween

 

 

Who would have thought it? (and with a dodgy ticker too!)
October 16, 2008

Imagine this. There is a lovely old man in your street who you say hello to most days. You know that he lives on his own so sometimes you stop to say more than hello. On one of these occasions, whilst admiring his garden, he invites you to come in and have a look around his house.

 

 “There are lots of original features,” he says, trying to tempt you.

 

As someone who loves architecture (and having a good nose around other people’s homes), you jump at the chance – he’s a 92 year old man with a heart problem after all…what could happen?

 

He leads you into the kitchen. “Very nice,” you say, looking at the original stone floor. Upstairs is the sitting room; a beautiful mantelpiece and some very nice antiques. Your eyes dance around the room taking it all in, and then they fall upon a pile of well flicked through porn mags (about 50, to hazard a guess) on a chair next to the fire. Pretending you haven’t seen them, you edge your way towards the door saying how lovely it has been to have had a look around and that it is probably time that you made your way home.

 

“But you haven’t seen the bedroom yet,” says the old man with a twinkle in his eye.

 

“Oh I think I have seen quite enough,” you say, hot-footing it down the stairs.

 

As you make your way into the street outside, you bid the old man farewell and thank him again for having shared his home (and possibly his private life) with you. You then head off down the road, trying not to think too much about what he might get up to after you have gone.

 

So you tell me. What do you think this lovely old French man uses this type of literature for: lighting his fire or ____________ ? On second thoughts, please don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know. Honest…I don’t.

 

 

  

Wordless Wednesday
October 15, 2008

 For once, Sonny is lost for words.

Or

(thanks to East Anglian Troy)

 

“Well Mama, can I call these Frogmen?”

 

A Fishy Tale
October 9, 2008

 “Sonny. Pass me the phone quickly. Mama needs help!”

 

 “Where is it?”

 

“Over there on the table. Hurry up. Come on, come on, come on!”

 

Sonny jumps off the sofa and hands me the phone. I flip it open, put it on loudspeaker (as I can’t bring it to my ear) and dial the boyfriend. It goes straight through to the answer phone. SHIT. I leave a message.

 

“Babe, it’s me. You have to come now. I really need your help. I am standing here holding a 100 litre fish tank that is about to crash through my sideboard and I can’t move. It’s already halfway through, balancing at a precarious angle, and I don’t have the strength to pull it back. Water is pouring all over the floor. Please come quickly.”

 

I look down at my feet. Water is trickling through my toes towards the open end of an extension cable in the corner of the room. It is plugged in. GULP. I think ‘hairdryer in a bathtub.’ Will I fry? I have no idea, but I don’t want to take the risk – I need to unplug it. But I can’t let go of the fish tank.  If I do it will destroy the entire sideboard (an 1940’s work of art which doesn’t belong to me) along with some very expensive wine glasses and a much treasured dinner set. I point my leg in the direction of the plug and ask Sonny to do it for me.

 

“What’s a plug?” he says looking confused.

 

“It’s that white, plastic thing in the wall. Just pull it out!”

 

“But I am not allowed to touch those.”

 

“I know. But today you can. It’s an emergency!”

 

As Sonny yanks the plug out of the wall I hear someone close the outside gate. It is the boyfriend. HALLELUJAH. He bursts through the door, takes one look at me then bursts out laughing.

 

“Sorry, honey,” he says, grabbing the far end of the fish tank. “It’s just that you look so…well…funny standing there in your dressing gown, all wet and grumpy, your entire body wrapped around a half empty fish tank.”

 

“Well, I am glad you find it amusing,” I groan. “I’ve been holding this ruddy thing for 15 minutes and my back is killing me.”

 

“At least the fish are ok,” he says, trying to be upbeat.

 

“Lucky them,” I reply, looking at the sorry state of my sideboard.

 

And the moral of the tale:

 

Fish tanks can be dangerous! Use your common sense (like I didn’t) and choose your surface wisely. 100 litres of water weighs more than you think. Trust me.

 

Do you think the landlord will notice?

Do you think the landlord will notice?

 

Silly Mama
October 7, 2008

 

The other morning I came downstairs to find Sonny sitting on the sofa with a stone the size of a large avocado tucked under his bottom.

 

 “Er…Sonny…why are you sitting on a stone?”  I enquired, as any normal mother would.

 

“It’s not a stone,” he sighed, lifting his left butt cheek to give me a better look.  “It’s a dinosaur egg and I’m trying to hatch it.”

 

“Oh…silly me…of course it is,” I replied, trying to not to show my surprise.

 

Several hours later I sat down with a cup of tea and saw the “egg” neglected on the floor. Thinking this was the perfect opportunity to make amends for my earlier faux pas, I said to Sonny:

 

“Do you what me to sit on your egg for a while?”

 

And do you know what the little monkey said?

 

“It’s only a stone, you silly Mama!”

 

Thanks for that one son!