So in my quest for a half-decent bloke, this is what I find in my inbox this morning:
Email No 1
Subject: Veggie Haggis Pie for Xmas
My dear mademoiselle Ecossaise, I am at least two and a half hours’ drive away from you, I am certainly approximately a thousand years too old for a lady of your tender your years. The fact that in your photos you look delightfully innocent yet sultry (and those magnifique eyes) makes it so much easier to admit that, par contre, I’m definitely out of luck in the looks department and, to add a little spice to this pitiful soup of misery, I need to lose weight. I’m vegetarian (yes, I really did cook myself a veggie haggis pie at christmas!) and in spite of its health benefits I’m probably also due for some kind of health catastrophe in the really near future, putting me on the podium as Meetic’s 2010 seriously dubious choice of partner for a cup of coffee, let alone 50 years of romance, respect, love and partnership. No, mademoiselle, replying to me would be a real, real mistake. Turn the page, mademoiselle, je vous le jure, ce n’est pas le moment de prendre de telles risques! Une fois ouvert, ce livre ne se ferme plus! Avec aucun espoir du tout que vous allez me répondre… et tant mieux!!! Votre admirateur humble et obséquieux François PS. If I haven’t put you off I can add halitosis, dandruff and sundry other unmentionables if you like. PPS. Vous allez le regretter, ne me dites pas que je vous n’ai pas averti!!! PPPS. Did I tell you that pink shoes and pretty toes make me dribble? In public? I make Roy Hattersly look positively parched.”
Subject: Haggis again
…and I smoke! Like a chimney. Stink like an ashtray – can knock out a full-grown donkey at 13 paces.
My response, as I felt it merited one: “Superb! The funniest thing I have read in ages.” To which he replied:
My dear and delightful enseignante écossaise,
You now have yet another characteristic that sets you apart from the riff-raff on this site… you replied to me!
C******s is a mere 221 km away. I could cycle there in just three weeks. Could you wait that long? Let me tempt you!
Imagine a candlelit dinner for two in a secluded little romancetaurant, you in a daring low-cut black silk evening gown, the light sparoff a simple yet elegant silver necklace draped around your sublime, soft neck, those sultry, bewitching eyes, your delicious toes wriggling in those pretty little pink shoes, and me in a soaking wet tshirt and rather smelly, untouchable cycling shorts, sweat dripping off my nose, extinguishing my roll-up. You stare into my eyes and you count the little dead midges lodged at the corners of my eyes, and you wonder how a man with such bloodshot eyes can possibly see, let alone raise a glass to his lips. Can you imagine anything more wonderful?
*hopping around and wobbling insanely as he stretches ungainly into a pair of lycra shorts*
Just say the word…
Well, what can say? At least it made me laugh.