Archive for the ‘Internet Dating’ Category

What men really say about us!
May 9, 2010

Another week, another internet date. Have been doing it for so long now that I go on them expecting to be utterly disappointed, then am pleasantly surprised if they even bother to turn up! You’d be surprised how many of them don’t.  I’ve had one call me 2hrs after we were due to meet to say he had fallen asleep, but that he would still like to meet me (told him I don’t give second chances – he thought I was being unreasonable ), and another who sent me an email 3 days later saying he’d had to make an emergency trip to Spain and had forgotten to take his phone (yeah, right).  Anyway, this Saturday’s was really rather nice. He turned up (tick), he brought flowers (tick), he paid for lunch (tick), he was interesting (tick), he was handsome (tick), he looked like his photo (tick), he complemented me (tick), he is going to call me tonight (tick), he didn’t try to bed me on the first date (tick), he’s not French (BIG tick).

Yes, non-French seems to be the way to go. It’s not that I don’t like the French, it’s just that I don’t want one as a partner; i find them sleazy and narrow-minded. Having dated well over 20 of them now, I have realised that I just don’t like them. They really do think that women are good for two things, housework and sex.  The majority of them are indulging in extra marital affairs and when I question them as to why, their response is, “er….je suis un mec” (I’m a bloke). Great. Consequently, I have decided not to date French men….and so far it seems to be working.

So, getting back to this Saturday’s date (he was a 40 yr old German) he decided to let me in on some of his work colleague’s opinions of women between the ages of 30 and 45. When he mentioned to them that he was back on the dating scene, they gave him the following cautionary advice:

1. If you go for a woman in her early 30’s who doesn’t have children, she’s sure to want them, so you will have to consider having them. Do you really want that?

2. If you go for a woman in her 40’s who already has children, some of them teenagers, you will have to deal with them. Do you really want that?

3. If you go for a woman in her late 30’s/early 40’s who hasn’t had children, there will be a reason for that….and you need to find out why! And by the way, woman of this age who haven’t had children tend to be a bit ‘odd’. It makes their hormones go all funny.

With that kind of advice you would think the poor bloke would have no option but to turn gay.  That said, he seemed to think I fitted the bill; 36 with 1 young child and no desire for any more. However, he might just change his mind when he finds himself on the receiving end of my PMT….hormonally balanced…my arse.

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Internet dating doesn’t get better than this
January 21, 2010

So in my quest for a half-decent bloke, this is what I find in my inbox this morning:

Email No 1

Subject: Veggie Haggis Pie for Xmas

My dear mademoiselle Ecossaise, I am at least two and a half hours’ drive away from you, I am certainly approximately a thousand years too old for a lady of your tender your years. The fact that in your photos you look delightfully innocent yet sultry (and those magnifique eyes) makes it so much easier to admit that, par contre, I’m definitely out of luck in the looks department and, to add a little spice to this pitiful soup of misery, I need to lose weight. I’m vegetarian (yes, I really did cook myself a veggie haggis pie at christmas!) and in spite of its health benefits I’m probably also due for some kind of health catastrophe in the really near future, putting me on the podium as Meetic’s 2010 seriously dubious choice of partner for a cup of coffee, let alone 50 years of romance, respect, love and partnership. No, mademoiselle, replying to me would be a real, real mistake. Turn the page, mademoiselle, je vous le jure, ce n’est pas le moment de prendre de telles risques! Une fois ouvert, ce livre ne se ferme plus! Avec aucun espoir du tout que vous allez me répondre… et tant mieux!!! Votre admirateur humble et obséquieux François PS. If I haven’t put you off I can add halitosis, dandruff and sundry other unmentionables if you like. PPS. Vous allez le regretter, ne me dites pas que je vous n’ai pas averti!!! PPPS. Did I tell you that pink shoes and pretty toes make me dribble? In public? I make Roy Hattersly look positively parched.”

Email no.2

Subject: Haggis again

…and I smoke! Like a chimney. Stink like an ashtray  – can knock out a full-grown donkey at 13 paces.

My response, as I felt it merited one: “Superb! The funniest thing I have read in ages.” To which he replied:  

Email No.3

My dear and delightful enseignante écossaise,

You now have yet another characteristic that sets you apart from the riff-raff on this site… you replied to me!

C******s is a mere 221 km away. I could cycle there in just three weeks. Could you wait that long? Let me tempt you!

Imagine a candlelit dinner for two in a secluded little romancetaurant, you in a daring low-cut black silk evening gown, the light sparoff a simple yet elegant silver necklace draped around your sublime, soft neck, those sultry, bewitching eyes, your delicious toes wriggling in those pretty little pink shoes, and me in a soaking wet tshirt and rather smelly, untouchable cycling shorts, sweat dripping off my nose, extinguishing my roll-up. You stare into my eyes and you count the little dead midges lodged at the corners of my eyes, and you wonder how a man with such bloodshot eyes can possibly see, let alone raise a glass to his lips. Can you imagine anything more wonderful?

*hopping around and wobbling insanely as he stretches ungainly into a pair of lycra shorts*

Just say the word…

Yours wickedly

François

Well, what can say? At least it made me laugh.