Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

What men really say about us!
May 9, 2010

Another week, another internet date. Have been doing it for so long now that I go on them expecting to be utterly disappointed, then am pleasantly surprised if they even bother to turn up! You’d be surprised how many of them don’t.  I’ve had one call me 2hrs after we were due to meet to say he had fallen asleep, but that he would still like to meet me (told him I don’t give second chances – he thought I was being unreasonable ), and another who sent me an email 3 days later saying he’d had to make an emergency trip to Spain and had forgotten to take his phone (yeah, right).  Anyway, this Saturday’s was really rather nice. He turned up (tick), he brought flowers (tick), he paid for lunch (tick), he was interesting (tick), he was handsome (tick), he looked like his photo (tick), he complemented me (tick), he is going to call me tonight (tick), he didn’t try to bed me on the first date (tick), he’s not French (BIG tick).

Yes, non-French seems to be the way to go. It’s not that I don’t like the French, it’s just that I don’t want one as a partner; i find them sleazy and narrow-minded. Having dated well over 20 of them now, I have realised that I just don’t like them. They really do think that women are good for two things, housework and sex.  The majority of them are indulging in extra marital affairs and when I question them as to why, their response is, “er….je suis un mec” (I’m a bloke). Great. Consequently, I have decided not to date French men….and so far it seems to be working.

So, getting back to this Saturday’s date (he was a 40 yr old German) he decided to let me in on some of his work colleague’s opinions of women between the ages of 30 and 45. When he mentioned to them that he was back on the dating scene, they gave him the following cautionary advice:

1. If you go for a woman in her early 30’s who doesn’t have children, she’s sure to want them, so you will have to consider having them. Do you really want that?

2. If you go for a woman in her 40’s who already has children, some of them teenagers, you will have to deal with them. Do you really want that?

3. If you go for a woman in her late 30’s/early 40’s who hasn’t had children, there will be a reason for that….and you need to find out why! And by the way, woman of this age who haven’t had children tend to be a bit ‘odd’. It makes their hormones go all funny.

With that kind of advice you would think the poor bloke would have no option but to turn gay.  That said, he seemed to think I fitted the bill; 36 with 1 young child and no desire for any more. However, he might just change his mind when he finds himself on the receiving end of my PMT….hormonally balanced…my arse.

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Internet dating doesn’t get better than this
January 21, 2010

So in my quest for a half-decent bloke, this is what I find in my inbox this morning:

Email No 1

Subject: Veggie Haggis Pie for Xmas

My dear mademoiselle Ecossaise, I am at least two and a half hours’ drive away from you, I am certainly approximately a thousand years too old for a lady of your tender your years. The fact that in your photos you look delightfully innocent yet sultry (and those magnifique eyes) makes it so much easier to admit that, par contre, I’m definitely out of luck in the looks department and, to add a little spice to this pitiful soup of misery, I need to lose weight. I’m vegetarian (yes, I really did cook myself a veggie haggis pie at christmas!) and in spite of its health benefits I’m probably also due for some kind of health catastrophe in the really near future, putting me on the podium as Meetic’s 2010 seriously dubious choice of partner for a cup of coffee, let alone 50 years of romance, respect, love and partnership. No, mademoiselle, replying to me would be a real, real mistake. Turn the page, mademoiselle, je vous le jure, ce n’est pas le moment de prendre de telles risques! Une fois ouvert, ce livre ne se ferme plus! Avec aucun espoir du tout que vous allez me répondre… et tant mieux!!! Votre admirateur humble et obséquieux François PS. If I haven’t put you off I can add halitosis, dandruff and sundry other unmentionables if you like. PPS. Vous allez le regretter, ne me dites pas que je vous n’ai pas averti!!! PPPS. Did I tell you that pink shoes and pretty toes make me dribble? In public? I make Roy Hattersly look positively parched.”

Email no.2

Subject: Haggis again

…and I smoke! Like a chimney. Stink like an ashtray  – can knock out a full-grown donkey at 13 paces.

My response, as I felt it merited one: “Superb! The funniest thing I have read in ages.” To which he replied:  

Email No.3

My dear and delightful enseignante écossaise,

You now have yet another characteristic that sets you apart from the riff-raff on this site… you replied to me!

C******s is a mere 221 km away. I could cycle there in just three weeks. Could you wait that long? Let me tempt you!

Imagine a candlelit dinner for two in a secluded little romancetaurant, you in a daring low-cut black silk evening gown, the light sparoff a simple yet elegant silver necklace draped around your sublime, soft neck, those sultry, bewitching eyes, your delicious toes wriggling in those pretty little pink shoes, and me in a soaking wet tshirt and rather smelly, untouchable cycling shorts, sweat dripping off my nose, extinguishing my roll-up. You stare into my eyes and you count the little dead midges lodged at the corners of my eyes, and you wonder how a man with such bloodshot eyes can possibly see, let alone raise a glass to his lips. Can you imagine anything more wonderful?

*hopping around and wobbling insanely as he stretches ungainly into a pair of lycra shorts*

Just say the word…

Yours wickedly

François

Well, what can say? At least it made me laugh.

Catch up
January 15, 2010

It’s official, I’m a ‘stop n’ start’ blogger. Life just seems to take over and there is never any time. I have no idea how you lot (aka my blog list…except for Housewife in the Highlands, who seems to have screeched to a halt at about the same time as me in May last year) manage to keep it up? Your lives seem as hectic, if not more so than mine but there you are, tap, tap, tapping away. So now that I have admitted that you’re great and I’m crap, here’s your bi-annual update, starting with today:

This morning: the ‘gastro’ (stomach flu) is ripping through this town like a dose of salts (pun intended). Everyone seems to have had it except for me and my son. Feeling a bit smug, I remarked to a friend yesterday that it seems to have passed us by. I should know by now to NEVER EVER tempt fate like that. Consequently, I woke up this morning feeling a bit queasy. As I haven’t had sex in ages, I’m definitely not pregnant. BOLLOX – that’s to having the ‘gastro’ and not to not being pregnant….Anyway, decided not to apply mascara this morning just in case I am required to say hello to last night’s roast pork dinner (with carrots I might add) at some point during the day. Vomiting and mascara (and carrots) just don’t go – makes my eyes smart just thinking about it. Every cloud has a silver lining though and this one’s weight loss. Come to think of it, god probably created the ‘gastro’ to help people lose those extra pounds after Christmas. That’s why it only ever seems to appear in January, a bit like those Weight Watchers ads.

Yesterday: I received a letter saying that I have won a prize in the local ‘Vitrine de Noel’ (Christmas Window) competition. I never win anything. I was so excited that I phoned all my friends to let them know. They no doubt think I am really sad now. Hey ho. The prizes are great. A holiday for two somewhere hot (must find a partner), dinner for two in a local restaurant (must find a partner), crates of wine (should be able to manage that one my own). Will find out what I’ve won next Wednesday when all the prizes will be handed out at the town hall. Will keep you posted. In light of my blogging track record, that’ll be some time in June.

Tuesday: In light of my current single status and the fact that I live in the country, surrounded by old men, alcoholics and pigs, I have swallowed my pride and joined an internet dating site. So far I have been on dates with one old man (his recent profile picture must have been taken circa 1980), an alcoholic (he had more than his fair share of wine over dinner, but maybe that was down to nerves?) and 3 little pigs – no change there then! Piglet No 1, after I refused to bed him on our first encounter, called me up the next day to tell me how handsome he was and…..wait for it….how, at the grand old age of 36, and with a kid in tow, I should be lucky if anyone wanted to bed me at all! Suffice to say, I didn’t give him a second date. Bacon boy No 2 only ever called me after 9pm on a Tuesday night when he knew I didn’t have my son – obviously in search of some free sex, rather than a relationship then! At least Piglet No1 had the courtesy to take me out for dinner before he tried. And the 3rd little Piggy is indeed a pig (a policeman), or le ‘Flic’ as he referred to himself, with a glint in his eye, over coffee on Tuesday. However, he was also very keen to let me know that he was a ‘nice’ policeman. And so far, it would seem that he is. We plan to meet again next week, however, I do have one reservation: my friends. They are not the most law-abiding of citizens. So, if I do decide to take things further with Mr Flic I can kiss goodbye to any future dinner party invites. Think I need some time to mull this one over!

To be cont…….

Me
April 30, 2009

I came across this delightful meme on Belgian Waffle earlier today. As Mdme Jaywalker has opened it up to all, I thought it would be fun to give it a go.


1. Are you a male or female: Red shoes, red nail varnish…yes, I’m a bloke.


2. Describe yourself: Snow White with roots – plan to get them done just before my sister’s wedding in 2 weeks time.


3. How do you feel about yourself: Could try harder. It was even on my report card at school.

4. Describe your parents: My poor, long suffering parents. Absolute stars, the pair of them! I have given them so much grief over the years, that they have well and truly earned the right to come and live with me in their old age – come to think of it, that would probably be their worst nightmare.

 

P.s If either of you ever happen to stumble across this blog: Sorry, I love you and I promise I won’t put plastic on the chairs.


5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriends: Disappointing, including the actor Gerard Butler (yes, I had him before you Mlle Aniston). He left me to ‘make it big in Hollywood’ and he did. Sob.

6. Describe your current boy/girl situation: 6ft ex-marine with extra large extremities – why else do you think I took him back after he totalled my car?

7. Describe your current location: Rented flat, with grubby 1970’s lino, make do furniture and a gorgeous, sunny terrace. I also have a ghost that presents itself in the form of a dark shadow. Shiver.

8. Describe where you want to be: I was going to say on a beach in Mexico (Playa del Carmen is one of my favourite places ever), but in light of recent events, (oink, oink, has someone turned the heating up?) maybe not. Alternatives would include: in a hot bath with a glass of champagne, or in bed with Mr XL Xtremities (think I have found a new name for him. He will be pleased).

9. Your best friend(s) is/are: Fantastic, wild, funny and rude.

10. Your favourite colour is: Mint/pistachio Green. I bought my first car, a Nissan Figaro, because it was green. I was in tears when I sold it (I didn’t want to, but I needed the money to settle my debts before moving to France), especially as the new buyer came to pick it up on my 29th birthday. My ex made me this card to make me feel better. Suffice to say, it didn’t.

 

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11. You know that: If someone says, ‘it will only take a minute,’ it’s a lie. I wouldn’t say I was slow, but it has only taken me 35 yrs to work that one out.

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: I would go for ‘6 feet under,’ but it’s already taken.


13. What is life to you:

 

20 days per month – Something to get through.

5 days per month – Hell

The remaining 5/6 – OK, sometimes verging on pretty good.

 


14. What is the best advice you have to give: Do the washing up before you go to bed and make your bed in the morning. It makes you feel as if you are in control.


If anyone else fancies having a go, link back to me, so that I can come and check it out.

 

What has he done?
September 1, 2008

I am feeling restless tonight and my boyfriend is to blame. Earlier today he very kindly informed me that he has ‘sold his soul to the devil’ to buy me a new car. I am not sure what kind of pact he has made but he looks as nervous as hell and has spent the whole day at the bar drowning his sorrows.

 

I want to know what he has done but he refuses to tell me. He has tried to fob me off with the usual “it’s nothing for you to worry about” routine, but the tremble in his voice has made me think otherwise.

 

I have been forbidden to question him further. The matter is closed for discussion. Apparently it is “nothing illegal” and I should “rest assured” that there “won’t be any repercussions” for me should it go wrong (now, why don’t I believe him when he says that?)

 

As I would rather have no car than a boyfriend involved in something he is obviously not comfortable with, I have told him to call the deal off. I have even given him the perfect get out clause; to buy a friend’s car and pay it off in instalments with my help. But no, he is determined to do it ‘his’ way and to make ‘me’ feel bad for it.

 

Male pride has a lot to answer for!